real mom: Jessica Pugmire

This is hands down the most emotional Real Mom feature I’ve done. My friend Jess is brave. She and her husband Sam have been tested more than many can comprehend. I’m honored to have her as my friend and feel fortunate that she’s willing to share her story.

 I’m Jessica Pugmire and 2 1/2 months ago, my husband Sam and I lost our baby girl Annie. She passed away from a genetic disorder that is one-of-a-kind, one that doctors had never seen before. Annie was 4 1/2 months when she returned to Heaven, and oh how much I miss her! She was an angel the moment she was born; beautiful and perfect in my eyes! I wanted everyone to know the story about Annie but I also wanted her to know it. So, I started a journal to Annie (mydearestannie.blogspot.com) in hopes that someday she’d be able to read it. Little did I know it would impact so many lives. People started loving Annie just as we did. She inspired us all to want to become better each day. So, with great honor, here is my story about my sweet, perfect, little guardian angel, Annie..

Tell us a little about Annie’s condition: 

There were no signs of anything wrong while I was pregnant. I was always super sick which can be normal. But at the same time, my stomach was always rock hard – almost as if I was always having contractions. So basically, a normal pregnancy could feel 100% different than what I experienced. Annie’s condition is very rare. We did a series of tests called “Exome Sequencing” where Sam, Annie, and I got our blood drawn and it’s almost like a puzzle; looking at the different genes seeing if one gene and another were the cause and what it brought. This test takes several months. We still don’t know what her condition really was.  When she was first born, the doctors thought it was a syndrome called “Freeman Sheldon”. But after doing a few tests on that, it came back negative. We also thought it was a syndrome called, “Stuve-Weidmann” but again, through testing, it always came back negative. Basically this Exome Sequencing test is all we have left. We are hoping and praying for distinct answers on it. The answers of this test will determine if Sam and I will be able to have anymore children or if we will have to start considering adoption, etc.

I can’t imagine being a new mom living in the hospital. Can you share a little about that?

I think as women always have that vision of what it is going to be like when our babies are born. Giving birth, holding them for the first time, snuggling with them, nursing, having their room set up, etc. I too had that vision, and I was always thrilled just thinking about it! I’m sure there are many mothers that understand where I’m coming from, that have experienced a premature baby – you’re not prepared at all! I felt so lost, confused, and of course with all of those hormones, VERY emotional! I had an emergency C-section, Annie came out blue, I didn’t get to see her until three hours after having her, and I didn’t get to hold her until about a month after she was born. That is something we as mother’s never ever plan nor want to happen to us. Annie was born in Prove, Utah and taken straight to the NICU. Four days later, they transferred her up to Primary Children’s Hospital NICU. I drove up to the hospital every day. It was a forty-five minute drive which felt like 3 hours being anxious to see Annie each day. Being with Annie was all I wanted. That was my life.  I would pack a lunch, and spend 3-6 hours up there. Meeting with doctors, geneticists, neurologists, occupational therapy, etc. It was always busy! But my favorite times were when I held my sweet little Annie in my arms for hours. We had such a strong and special bond. She knew who I was. When I got to the hospital and she looked upset, the nurses would put my sweet little Annie-girls in my arms and I would rock her to sleep. Annie was always super tense (due to her condition). And she would sweat so much! After Sam and I would hold her, our shirts would be soaked because of her sweaty little body. But I loved it! I loved the smell of her stinky sweat! I wish I could have made a perfume out of it! 😉 And her feet! I was OBSESSED with her feet! It seriously made me smile looking at those little toes. I loved kissing them.

As a mother I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. You and Sam have seemingly stayed so strong. Where do you get your strength?

It has been a hard two month’s without our sweet Annie. Sam and I both are missing her so very much. But I feel like we get the strength of knowing everything is okay from our Heavenly Father. We are active members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Our church is based around Eternal families. Knowing that we can live with our sweet Annie forever, makes us so happy. Knowing she isn’t in pain anymore or tied down from her body gives us joy. She is free from her body and one day, will be able to have a perfected body where Sam and I will be able to raise her. We are so grateful for the Gospel and how much joy it has been able to bring us through such a hard trial in life. And of course, leaning on Sam and Sam leaning on to me. We have had to really rely on each other more than ever. Sam now tells me to let him know if it’s going to be “one of those days”. Where I just need to be held, and cry. He is very good to me.

If possible can you give us a glimpse of your last day with sweet Annie?

The last day we had our Annie-girl was the hardest day of my life. Something no one should have to go through. I won’t go into depth with everything but anyone is more than willing to go to the blog where I went into full detail about the day she became an Angel. One thing I will say is I have never felt so sure and have such a testimony in eternal families. Heaven is a lot closer than we think. When our sweet little Annie passed away, she was in mine and Sam’s arms. We knew she was finally happy, free from pain. She was and still is such an amazing little girl and I know she is busy working in Heaven trying to help all of us return to her again. That night after we left the hospital, leaving Annie’s body behind, we drove home knowing that she was closer to us then than she had been before. We finally felt like we were bringing her home, only in spirit.

How can we help? 

I feel like everyone can help out by sharing Annie’s story! Her story is something that shouldn’t, nor will ever be hidden. Annie has blessed so many peoples lives and I am so very grateful to know that she is mine and Sam’s forever! We love our Annie-girl so much!

XXO

Jess & Lisa